Componence Asset List

Caroline, 48

V+mood+disorders+vrouw+verbergt+haar+gezicht+200+x+200

I managed to compose myself to the outside world, but inside I was screaming.

I met Dan when I was just 18 years old. A year later we were married and two years after that we had our first child. We had to move around a lot because of Dan’s job, but I didn’t mind it too much because I always considered Dan to be my home. That is why I did not know what to do when he passed away after being in a car accident last year. I felt like my whole life had turned upside down and I did not know how I would go on without him.

I managed to compose myself to the outside world, but inside I was screaming. Once I could wrap my head around everything, I started to feel a lot of emotions. First I was angry, then I was sad then I was just numb. The worst feeling of all was the guilt. I felt guilty about everything. Why did I fight so much with Dan? Why didn’t we go on a trip to Italy like he always wanted? Most of all I felt guilty about his actual death. I had asked Dan to buy some bread at the shop. He wouldn’t have been in the car if it wasn’t for me.

After a while the guilt became too much to handle. I started feeling more and more down as a result. Each day it became harder and harder to get out of bed and look after the kids. Since my family lived so far away, I felt very alone in this process.  I started experiencing suicidal thoughts. What was the point in living after what I had done to Dan? It was at that point that I realised that I had reached a low and that I needed to seek help. I knew deep inside that Dan would want me to feel happy again.